i know it.
after riding over to my aunt and uncle's lakeside house to film part of a project, they invited me to come out on the boat with them. i agreed and soon i was in a borrowed bathing suit floating in a water chair tethered to the boat. before i knew it, i had a five-year old girl named sangria on my lap, and she told me all about jesus.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
a home is not a house
"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in; but if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." -I John 1:8,9
As I began reading the first chapter of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, I began thinking about other theories that attempt to explain reality. In all those that I chose to explore, a common theme is self-deception and its detriments. Each theory offers a slightly different perspective, and all hold at least something useful. Once you've finished, I'd love to hear what you think.
Plato's Theory of Forms suggests the existence of a level of reality or "world" inhabited by the ideal or archetypal forms of all things and concepts. This is more or less his idea of Heaven, where the absolute form of everything exists. Under this theory, a form is the "common nature" possessed by a group of things or concepts, and is eternal and changeless, but exists with changeable matter to produce the examples we perceive in the temporal world. Additionally, the Analogy of the Divided Line distinguishes between lower forms, the real items of which ordinary particular items we see around us are reflections, and higher forms, characterized by priori, that knowledge of them does not depend upon experience of particulars or even on ideas of perpetually well-known particulars.
Here, the temporal world is opinion, as illustrated in the Allegory of the Cave; just as the prisoners observing shadows cast on the wall believe such likenesses are the actual objects or reality, we are seeing shadows of forms rather than the absolute forms themselves. When we have false beliefs about the nature of absolute reality in each thing or concept we encounter, Plato places us as unable to reason. The prisoners suffer this gap in reality because they are bound and unable to move, and although we may be physically unhindered, Plato explains our metaphoric chains with the Metaphor of the Sun.
He states, "when the soul is firmly fixed on the domain where truth and reality shine resplendent it apprehends and knows them and appears to possess reason, but when it inclines to that region which is mingled with darkness, the world of becoming and passing away, it opines only and its edge is blunted, and it shifts into opinions hither and thither and again seems as if it lacked reason."
Rene Descartes is perhaps most famous for reasoning, "I think, therefore I am." As far as he was concerned, Plato's concept of our experienced world as shadows of absolute forms is skewed. Descartes saw thinking as the only thing that cannot be doubted, and that through perception and deduction, the judgement of the mind is the only means of explanation and understanding of our environment. Even further, he saw Plato's argument for an external world as absurdly placing sensory perceptions as involuntary and external to the senses.
He uses the example of speaking, postulating that although, "most philosophers assure us that sound is nothing other than a certain vibration of air that strikes against our ears...if our sense of hearing were to report to our mind the true image of its object, then, instead of causing us to conceive of sound, it would have to cause us to conceive of the motion of the parts of air that then vibrate against our ears." With this premise guiding his work, through the use of mathematics and calculations regarding the properties of light, Descartes even attests "that the face of the heaven...must appear to its inhabitants completely like that of our world." We will get to heaven in a little bit.
In the segment of the first chapter entitled "Spirituality and Religion", Tolle's discussion of ego offers an alternative to both Descartes' and Plato's theories of existence and reality. Ego, he attests, is an identification with form, primarily those of thoughts. When we remain in the realm of our own thoughts, we are trapped from recognizing oneness, much less attaining it. The relative reality of evil is, then, "complete identification with form...physical, thought, and emotional."
Such an unawareness of oneness with all others characterizes the dysfunction afflicting the "normal" consciousness of most humans. This original sin, of missing the mark of human existence, this maya, the veil of delusion, and this dukkha, mind-generated suffering and dissatisfaction, all result from such egocentric ignorance. This is living in Plato's cave and treating shadows as reality.
Basic tenants of Christianity provide yet another set of insights. The Book of Common Prayer, contains "An Outline of the Faith: the Catechism". It begins by reminding us that we are part of God's creation and made in His image. As such, we have been given the freedom to love, create, and reason, but we are separate from each other and from Him because we have misused this gift. This disconnectedness is similar to Tolle's ego; in using our God-given reasoning, skill, memory, and logic to unintended, self-serving ends, we distance ourselves from the essential oneness we began with and perpetuate our own ignorance.
In this text, sin is defined as a "distortion of the will of God that compromises our relationship with all creation." When our relationship with God, the unifier of the world, suffers, we lose our liberty by becoming entrapped by our egotistical, individualistic pursuits. This tenant is reflected not only in Tolle's description of ego, but also in Plato's Allegory of the Sun; when we ensnare ourselves in false beliefs of reality, we lose our connection with the unifying absolute. In Christianity, because we have been made in the image of God, we are all a part of the communion of saints, the whole family of God, and as such, we must honor and love each other as we love ourselves.
Hebrews 9:24 explains that, "Christ is not entered into the holy places made with hands, which are figures of the true; but into heaven itself." In this pointed distinction between the trueness of heaven and its contents and the world we experience, the parallel to Plato's World of Forms is uncanny. When we transcend our bodies, we are subject to the everlasting life that comes with ascension into heaven, "a new existence in which we are united...in the joy of fully loving and knowing God and each other."
I'll leave you with some words from Descartes.
"I..aspired as much as any one to reach heaven; the way is not less open to the most ignorant than to the most learned, and that the revealed truths which lead to heaven are above..the impotency of my reason. In order competently to undertake their examination, there was need of some special help from heaven, and of being more than man."
Regardless of route, the pursuit of heaven seems to require being more than man and his ego. On spiritual pilgrimage, the search for home is anything but physical or esoteric; to play with an old adage, a home is not a house. Coming home is a return to the inherent oneness unfettered by the ignorance of ego.
As I began reading the first chapter of Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, I began thinking about other theories that attempt to explain reality. In all those that I chose to explore, a common theme is self-deception and its detriments. Each theory offers a slightly different perspective, and all hold at least something useful. Once you've finished, I'd love to hear what you think.
Plato's Theory of Forms suggests the existence of a level of reality or "world" inhabited by the ideal or archetypal forms of all things and concepts. This is more or less his idea of Heaven, where the absolute form of everything exists. Under this theory, a form is the "common nature" possessed by a group of things or concepts, and is eternal and changeless, but exists with changeable matter to produce the examples we perceive in the temporal world. Additionally, the Analogy of the Divided Line distinguishes between lower forms, the real items of which ordinary particular items we see around us are reflections, and higher forms, characterized by priori, that knowledge of them does not depend upon experience of particulars or even on ideas of perpetually well-known particulars.
Here, the temporal world is opinion, as illustrated in the Allegory of the Cave; just as the prisoners observing shadows cast on the wall believe such likenesses are the actual objects or reality, we are seeing shadows of forms rather than the absolute forms themselves. When we have false beliefs about the nature of absolute reality in each thing or concept we encounter, Plato places us as unable to reason. The prisoners suffer this gap in reality because they are bound and unable to move, and although we may be physically unhindered, Plato explains our metaphoric chains with the Metaphor of the Sun.
He states, "when the soul is firmly fixed on the domain where truth and reality shine resplendent it apprehends and knows them and appears to possess reason, but when it inclines to that region which is mingled with darkness, the world of becoming and passing away, it opines only and its edge is blunted, and it shifts into opinions hither and thither and again seems as if it lacked reason."
Rene Descartes is perhaps most famous for reasoning, "I think, therefore I am." As far as he was concerned, Plato's concept of our experienced world as shadows of absolute forms is skewed. Descartes saw thinking as the only thing that cannot be doubted, and that through perception and deduction, the judgement of the mind is the only means of explanation and understanding of our environment. Even further, he saw Plato's argument for an external world as absurdly placing sensory perceptions as involuntary and external to the senses.
He uses the example of speaking, postulating that although, "most philosophers assure us that sound is nothing other than a certain vibration of air that strikes against our ears...if our sense of hearing were to report to our mind the true image of its object, then, instead of causing us to conceive of sound, it would have to cause us to conceive of the motion of the parts of air that then vibrate against our ears." With this premise guiding his work, through the use of mathematics and calculations regarding the properties of light, Descartes even attests "that the face of the heaven...must appear to its inhabitants completely like that of our world." We will get to heaven in a little bit.
In the segment of the first chapter entitled "Spirituality and Religion", Tolle's discussion of ego offers an alternative to both Descartes' and Plato's theories of existence and reality. Ego, he attests, is an identification with form, primarily those of thoughts. When we remain in the realm of our own thoughts, we are trapped from recognizing oneness, much less attaining it. The relative reality of evil is, then, "complete identification with form...physical, thought, and emotional."
Such an unawareness of oneness with all others characterizes the dysfunction afflicting the "normal" consciousness of most humans. This original sin, of missing the mark of human existence, this maya, the veil of delusion, and this dukkha, mind-generated suffering and dissatisfaction, all result from such egocentric ignorance. This is living in Plato's cave and treating shadows as reality.
Basic tenants of Christianity provide yet another set of insights. The Book of Common Prayer, contains "An Outline of the Faith: the Catechism". It begins by reminding us that we are part of God's creation and made in His image. As such, we have been given the freedom to love, create, and reason, but we are separate from each other and from Him because we have misused this gift. This disconnectedness is similar to Tolle's ego; in using our God-given reasoning, skill, memory, and logic to unintended, self-serving ends, we distance ourselves from the essential oneness we began with and perpetuate our own ignorance.
In this text, sin is defined as a "distortion of the will of God that compromises our relationship with all creation." When our relationship with God, the unifier of the world, suffers, we lose our liberty by becoming entrapped by our egotistical, individualistic pursuits. This tenant is reflected not only in Tolle's description of ego, but also in Plato's Allegory of the Sun; when we ensnare ourselves in false beliefs of reality, we lose our connection with the unifying absolute. In Christianity, because we have been made in the image of God, we are all a part of the communion of saints, the whole family of God, and as such, we must honor and love each other as we love ourselves.
Hebrews 9:24 explains that, "Christ is not entered into the holy places made with hands, which are figures of the true; but into heaven itself." In this pointed distinction between the trueness of heaven and its contents and the world we experience, the parallel to Plato's World of Forms is uncanny. When we transcend our bodies, we are subject to the everlasting life that comes with ascension into heaven, "a new existence in which we are united...in the joy of fully loving and knowing God and each other."
I'll leave you with some words from Descartes.
"I..aspired as much as any one to reach heaven; the way is not less open to the most ignorant than to the most learned, and that the revealed truths which lead to heaven are above..the impotency of my reason. In order competently to undertake their examination, there was need of some special help from heaven, and of being more than man."
Regardless of route, the pursuit of heaven seems to require being more than man and his ego. On spiritual pilgrimage, the search for home is anything but physical or esoteric; to play with an old adage, a home is not a house. Coming home is a return to the inherent oneness unfettered by the ignorance of ego.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
transport of matter
Unexpected Behavior of Matter in Conjunction with Human Consciousness (2010) – Dong Shen
This article discusses the experiment in which a small piece of paper was transported out of a plastic vial by the means of human consciousness. The phenomenon of solid matter penetrating solid matter is attributed to a second consciousness state (SCS) that differs from the first, normal consciousness state of everyday thinking. Chinese research has suggested the involvement of a third-eye screen, which is essentially an image of an object created on a virtual “screen” in the middle of the forehead when a practitioner spends about an hour thinking deeply about the object. Psychokinetic (PK) transportation of the paper from the vial requires an image of the paper to be held stably on the screen by the SCS so that the first consciousness state can visualize moving the paper out of the vial; findings suggest that the paper image on the screen is able to receive information from the practitioner.
The methods used in this experiment were derived from Chinese research that began in the 1970s. These early studies were fueled by findings regarding Exceptional Function of the Human Body (EFHB), first seen in a boy who could “read” Chinese characters written on a piece of paper placed next to his ear. Shouliang Chen at Beijing University sought to determine whether or not EFHB was a physiological function of the body, and his studies found numerous other children and adults who were considered to have EHFB. The resulting source of practitioners served to advance research on this topic in a number of other programs.
For this particular experiment, practitioners were recruited from the Fudan University workforce. Individuals were selected to voluntarily undergo ESP and PK training without compensation and were generally 16-22 years old with little education. Results showed that success was often predicted by individuals’ level of mental flexibility and lack of preconception; approximately 60% of participants were successfully trained in ESP, with lower rates for PK success.
In this study, the canister was a standard-sized, opaque black plastic, 35-mm film cartridge container with its cap. A slip of paper 65mm by 90mm had a number written on it before being placed inside the canister. Although the practitioner, a 17-year old male, had no ability to achieve SCS initially, after six months of psychokinetic training, the experiment began. After the practitioner spent two days preparing, the experimenter wrote the number 830 on the paper, folded it four times, then passed it to a second experimenter who placed it inside the canister. The practitioner was seated one meter away from the table and told the paper was inside but not what was written on it.
Approximately forty minutes passed in silence as the practitioner stared intently at the canister. Moments later, the practitioner stated not only that the paper had moved to the floor near the wall, but also that it had the number 830 written on it in blue ink. None of the experimenters described seeing the paper leaving the container or flying across the room, but upon further inspection, there was in fact the very same paper on the ground near the wall, still folded.
The researcher provided the manner in which the practitioner described his experiment as follows, “during the experiment he concentrated on the black catridge container and got it deep in his consciousness while entering into the SCS. Then an image of the container appeared on the third-eye screen located in front of his forehead. He saw the image of the paper in the same way. At the very beginning, the paper image was not stable and not clear. After he focused on the image for a while, it became stable and clear on the screen. The number on the paper could then be easily read, that is, 830 written in blue, even though the paper was folded inside the capped container. When the image of the paper was clear on the screen, he started to use his mind to move the paper out of the container. At a certain point, he “saw” in his mind that the container was empty and saw in the room that the paper was on the floor near the wall.”
This research found that second consciousness state images on the third-eye screen have a number of remarkable qualities. When the practitioner is in the SCS, he can see the folded paper on his third-eye screen, and even has the capability to mentally examine it to determine its parts and characteristics, which was the number 830 in blue ink. Studies have also shown that an individual can focus on a given page of a closed book and read it while the book remains closed. This is possible because the image of the object on the third-eye screen is actively connected with the actual object; merely reading the third-eye screen is simply ESP. Psychokinesis results from the SCS focusing on the image and working with the normal, first consciousness state, which can then instruct the object to move.
According to the author, there are three requirements for psychokinetic activities. The first is that the image of the object actually appears on the third-eye screen. Second, the image on the screen must be stable to ensure it is intimately connected with the real object such as that between an object and its reflection in a mirror. This is achieved by maintaining concentration on the object. Finally, the image receives its “instruction” from the normal, first state of consciousness. When the position of the image on the screen changes, the real object will follow the position change simultaneously, similar to a tunneling process associated with a quantum mechanical wave function. These traits can be trained, with children 8-12 years old and young adults 15-22 years old with limited education showing best results.
This article discusses the experiment in which a small piece of paper was transported out of a plastic vial by the means of human consciousness. The phenomenon of solid matter penetrating solid matter is attributed to a second consciousness state (SCS) that differs from the first, normal consciousness state of everyday thinking. Chinese research has suggested the involvement of a third-eye screen, which is essentially an image of an object created on a virtual “screen” in the middle of the forehead when a practitioner spends about an hour thinking deeply about the object. Psychokinetic (PK) transportation of the paper from the vial requires an image of the paper to be held stably on the screen by the SCS so that the first consciousness state can visualize moving the paper out of the vial; findings suggest that the paper image on the screen is able to receive information from the practitioner.
The methods used in this experiment were derived from Chinese research that began in the 1970s. These early studies were fueled by findings regarding Exceptional Function of the Human Body (EFHB), first seen in a boy who could “read” Chinese characters written on a piece of paper placed next to his ear. Shouliang Chen at Beijing University sought to determine whether or not EFHB was a physiological function of the body, and his studies found numerous other children and adults who were considered to have EHFB. The resulting source of practitioners served to advance research on this topic in a number of other programs.
For this particular experiment, practitioners were recruited from the Fudan University workforce. Individuals were selected to voluntarily undergo ESP and PK training without compensation and were generally 16-22 years old with little education. Results showed that success was often predicted by individuals’ level of mental flexibility and lack of preconception; approximately 60% of participants were successfully trained in ESP, with lower rates for PK success.
In this study, the canister was a standard-sized, opaque black plastic, 35-mm film cartridge container with its cap. A slip of paper 65mm by 90mm had a number written on it before being placed inside the canister. Although the practitioner, a 17-year old male, had no ability to achieve SCS initially, after six months of psychokinetic training, the experiment began. After the practitioner spent two days preparing, the experimenter wrote the number 830 on the paper, folded it four times, then passed it to a second experimenter who placed it inside the canister. The practitioner was seated one meter away from the table and told the paper was inside but not what was written on it.
Approximately forty minutes passed in silence as the practitioner stared intently at the canister. Moments later, the practitioner stated not only that the paper had moved to the floor near the wall, but also that it had the number 830 written on it in blue ink. None of the experimenters described seeing the paper leaving the container or flying across the room, but upon further inspection, there was in fact the very same paper on the ground near the wall, still folded.
The researcher provided the manner in which the practitioner described his experiment as follows, “during the experiment he concentrated on the black catridge container and got it deep in his consciousness while entering into the SCS. Then an image of the container appeared on the third-eye screen located in front of his forehead. He saw the image of the paper in the same way. At the very beginning, the paper image was not stable and not clear. After he focused on the image for a while, it became stable and clear on the screen. The number on the paper could then be easily read, that is, 830 written in blue, even though the paper was folded inside the capped container. When the image of the paper was clear on the screen, he started to use his mind to move the paper out of the container. At a certain point, he “saw” in his mind that the container was empty and saw in the room that the paper was on the floor near the wall.”
This research found that second consciousness state images on the third-eye screen have a number of remarkable qualities. When the practitioner is in the SCS, he can see the folded paper on his third-eye screen, and even has the capability to mentally examine it to determine its parts and characteristics, which was the number 830 in blue ink. Studies have also shown that an individual can focus on a given page of a closed book and read it while the book remains closed. This is possible because the image of the object on the third-eye screen is actively connected with the actual object; merely reading the third-eye screen is simply ESP. Psychokinesis results from the SCS focusing on the image and working with the normal, first consciousness state, which can then instruct the object to move.
According to the author, there are three requirements for psychokinetic activities. The first is that the image of the object actually appears on the third-eye screen. Second, the image on the screen must be stable to ensure it is intimately connected with the real object such as that between an object and its reflection in a mirror. This is achieved by maintaining concentration on the object. Finally, the image receives its “instruction” from the normal, first state of consciousness. When the position of the image on the screen changes, the real object will follow the position change simultaneously, similar to a tunneling process associated with a quantum mechanical wave function. These traits can be trained, with children 8-12 years old and young adults 15-22 years old with limited education showing best results.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
happy mother's day
on this sixth sunday of easter, the lessons remind us of the power of love; god's love for his people has brought beauty and light into the world, and all we are asked for in return is an unwavering love and faith in him. although she may be a mere mortal, the gifts of god shine so brightly in my mother. in this week's gospel, john 14:23-29, jesus tells judas, " my peace i give to you. i do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be.. afraid." as i read these words, i couldn't help but think of my mother, whose capacity for love and compassion constantly amazes me.
in our relationship, my mother has never given to me as the world gives. a year after i was born, she wrote, "you have filled a place within us that we didn’t know was empty...I want you to always know how much I love you and that I’ll always support you and do whatever I can to ensure your happiness." she has never, ever broken that promise. i cry every time i read it (i'm crying a little now) because her love for me has been so dynamic and enveloping, even when i have been perfectly awful. her heart has so much room, it seems, and i know how blessed i am to experience such enveloping love - it feels as if we are physically connected.
my mother is filled with such beauty, and she transmits a sense of inner peace and love in every interaction with the world. when i watch her, i see it clearly and tangibly. i marvel at its constancy and its untiring, unyielding, and unrelenting presence and think of god. last week, we were told to love one another, and that this love would be the true marker of our faith in god and his son. in my opinion, this loving relationship is trust in the innate perfection of god's creations, or more simply, faith in the essential goodness in people or things. even in the most trying moments, i have seen my mother draw from some beautiful inner strength that i can only hope to find.
so yes, i have faith in god, but i also have faith in my mother. the vibrance of her radiating love is a living reminder that we were all created in the likeness of god, and that the peace offered through love for god, jesus, and each other most certainly exists. my mother embodies what we, as christians, strive to become, and is simply the best person i have ever known. the strength of her intrinsic love has carried me through times when i could not find any love in and for myself. saying thank you is not an adequate show of gratitude for such powerful gifts. to truly honor my mother, i must open my own heart to the love i have been offered, but even more, to the love i can offer. my mother has taught me that love is endlessly renewing, perhaps like nothing else in this world, and thus, to have love is to have the world.
i love you, mom.
in our relationship, my mother has never given to me as the world gives. a year after i was born, she wrote, "you have filled a place within us that we didn’t know was empty...I want you to always know how much I love you and that I’ll always support you and do whatever I can to ensure your happiness." she has never, ever broken that promise. i cry every time i read it (i'm crying a little now) because her love for me has been so dynamic and enveloping, even when i have been perfectly awful. her heart has so much room, it seems, and i know how blessed i am to experience such enveloping love - it feels as if we are physically connected.
my mother is filled with such beauty, and she transmits a sense of inner peace and love in every interaction with the world. when i watch her, i see it clearly and tangibly. i marvel at its constancy and its untiring, unyielding, and unrelenting presence and think of god. last week, we were told to love one another, and that this love would be the true marker of our faith in god and his son. in my opinion, this loving relationship is trust in the innate perfection of god's creations, or more simply, faith in the essential goodness in people or things. even in the most trying moments, i have seen my mother draw from some beautiful inner strength that i can only hope to find.
so yes, i have faith in god, but i also have faith in my mother. the vibrance of her radiating love is a living reminder that we were all created in the likeness of god, and that the peace offered through love for god, jesus, and each other most certainly exists. my mother embodies what we, as christians, strive to become, and is simply the best person i have ever known. the strength of her intrinsic love has carried me through times when i could not find any love in and for myself. saying thank you is not an adequate show of gratitude for such powerful gifts. to truly honor my mother, i must open my own heart to the love i have been offered, but even more, to the love i can offer. my mother has taught me that love is endlessly renewing, perhaps like nothing else in this world, and thus, to have love is to have the world.
i love you, mom.
Friday, May 7, 2010
haus of bird
inbox
soup
whiskey orange juice
grapefruits death no.
I’m saying
that’s all I had planned for later I think
I’m forgetting
to do what I said I would and
I need to try to keep with it
so I don’t think I will see you
no kate dawson’s creek I told you
think carrie
just left were like half an hour away ookey
I can’t pretend
that youre only my friend
when youre holding
my body tight we still on for tomorrow
HURRYUH we need to set a start time yes ma’am
in the meantime blind
pig afraid not love
s’okay went with megan
s’all good ran home to pee how
does one order drinks
at an American bar tomorrow
would you like to go
get fnc or should I
have them waiting for you
at my place okie doke what was it eh fuck
fuck I’m high
close before meeting
and I don’t think
it was straight
weed na ddrive me to allway
eq q 4:00 Friday dr beye
yes please yes double
please I’m in getting-up
process now yesm whr
u today nearly there yeah
fine where in aa
ooops
where in aa WELL
YOU DON’T KNOW DO YOU BECAUSE I WAS TALKIN WITH SOMEONE ELSE the first time okay sarry nuuh
sdiff
oh u didn’t lock the front door
and bass’s chair got rained on
of course ehhhh what is it
what is it what is it
what is it um yes it will be
is that comment yr way
of telling me that you will be going
to the party
sux 4 u
come over come over hah no
I got good shit now buuuuut
so you’ll be fun you mean
smoking this joint with clara now to take a break from smoking so
I shouldn’t SMOke even MORe after that oh yeah I see
gtg kate
yo can we
return bottles otherwise I only have 3$
we r staying inside til u call whr we meeting u
dinner’s all over
but I think
I’m staying in tonight
soup
whiskey orange juice
grapefruits death no.
I’m saying
that’s all I had planned for later I think
I’m forgetting
to do what I said I would and
I need to try to keep with it
so I don’t think I will see you
no kate dawson’s creek I told you
think carrie
just left were like half an hour away ookey
I can’t pretend
that youre only my friend
when youre holding
my body tight we still on for tomorrow
HURRYUH we need to set a start time yes ma’am
in the meantime blind
pig afraid not love
s’okay went with megan
s’all good ran home to pee how
does one order drinks
at an American bar tomorrow
would you like to go
get fnc or should I
have them waiting for you
at my place okie doke what was it eh fuck
fuck I’m high
close before meeting
and I don’t think
it was straight
weed na ddrive me to allway
eq q 4:00 Friday dr beye
yes please yes double
please I’m in getting-up
process now yesm whr
u today nearly there yeah
fine where in aa
ooops
where in aa WELL
YOU DON’T KNOW DO YOU BECAUSE I WAS TALKIN WITH SOMEONE ELSE the first time okay sarry nuuh
sdiff
oh u didn’t lock the front door
and bass’s chair got rained on
of course ehhhh what is it
what is it what is it
what is it um yes it will be
is that comment yr way
of telling me that you will be going
to the party
sux 4 u
come over come over hah no
I got good shit now buuuuut
so you’ll be fun you mean
smoking this joint with clara now to take a break from smoking so
I shouldn’t SMOke even MORe after that oh yeah I see
gtg kate
yo can we
return bottles otherwise I only have 3$
we r staying inside til u call whr we meeting u
dinner’s all over
but I think
I’m staying in tonight
Monday, May 3, 2010
where is my mind
no, i haven't been listening to too much of the pixies.
it's been at least six months, but more likely over a year. it isn't necessarily just my mind that is missing, rather, it might be my self. at least my sense of self, i suppose. i've described a schism that has wrenched apart who i want to be and who i have become through my actions. the cohesive element is my constant desire to be good, nice, respectable, honest in my movements. unfortunately, this underlying hypothetical essence of self is constantly disrupted by the poor choices i make (in situational haste and shortsightedness), leaving me feeling destructive and dangerous and generally unfit for human interaction. perhaps i would be better off if i didn't expect or want to be a good person in that the regret and grief i load upon myself - i can't even pretend anymore that my bad behavior is accidental - destroys me constantly, and yet, i still hold out the tiniest wet match hope that i will step up and away. i seemingly always choose situations that enable me to act stupidly but moreso manipulatively and i know when i'm doing it and i know how i will feel afterwards but i yield to some yet to distinguished force and feel momentarily good but constantly false. there is nothing that feels worse than not knowing why i lack the discipline to stop, except the fact that i have lost all concept of who i am anymore. blaming mental illness feels trite at this point. even being on meds for every emotion and sensation didn't enforce any sort of identity, and so i am left wondering if i either have some growing up to do or have some fatal character flaw. i have been in therapy for five years now. i have been on meds for four. what the hell do i have to show for it? am i not trying hard enough? have i not met the right person? what is wrong with me? most likely i am making poor choices.
it's been at least six months, but more likely over a year. it isn't necessarily just my mind that is missing, rather, it might be my self. at least my sense of self, i suppose. i've described a schism that has wrenched apart who i want to be and who i have become through my actions. the cohesive element is my constant desire to be good, nice, respectable, honest in my movements. unfortunately, this underlying hypothetical essence of self is constantly disrupted by the poor choices i make (in situational haste and shortsightedness), leaving me feeling destructive and dangerous and generally unfit for human interaction. perhaps i would be better off if i didn't expect or want to be a good person in that the regret and grief i load upon myself - i can't even pretend anymore that my bad behavior is accidental - destroys me constantly, and yet, i still hold out the tiniest wet match hope that i will step up and away. i seemingly always choose situations that enable me to act stupidly but moreso manipulatively and i know when i'm doing it and i know how i will feel afterwards but i yield to some yet to distinguished force and feel momentarily good but constantly false. there is nothing that feels worse than not knowing why i lack the discipline to stop, except the fact that i have lost all concept of who i am anymore. blaming mental illness feels trite at this point. even being on meds for every emotion and sensation didn't enforce any sort of identity, and so i am left wondering if i either have some growing up to do or have some fatal character flaw. i have been in therapy for five years now. i have been on meds for four. what the hell do i have to show for it? am i not trying hard enough? have i not met the right person? what is wrong with me? most likely i am making poor choices.
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