where is my mind

no, i haven't been listening to too much of the pixies.

it's been at least six months, but more likely over a year. it isn't necessarily just my mind that is missing, rather, it might be my self. at least my sense of self, i suppose. i've described a schism that has wrenched apart who i want to be and who i have become through my actions. the cohesive element is my constant desire to be good, nice, respectable, honest in my movements. unfortunately, this underlying hypothetical essence of self is constantly disrupted by the poor choices i make (in situational haste and shortsightedness), leaving me feeling destructive and dangerous and generally unfit for human interaction. perhaps i would be better off if i didn't expect or want to be a good person in that the regret and grief i load upon myself - i can't even pretend anymore that my bad behavior is accidental - destroys me constantly, and yet, i still hold out the tiniest wet match hope that i will step up and away. i seemingly always choose situations that enable me to act stupidly but moreso manipulatively and i know when i'm doing it and i know how i will feel afterwards but i yield to some yet to distinguished force and feel momentarily good but constantly false. there is nothing that feels worse than not knowing why i lack the discipline to stop, except the fact that i have lost all concept of who i am anymore. blaming mental illness feels trite at this point. even being on meds for every emotion and sensation didn't enforce any sort of identity, and so i am left wondering if i either have some growing up to do or have some fatal character flaw. i have been in therapy for five years now. i have been on meds for four. what the hell do i have to show for it? am i not trying hard enough? have i not met the right person? what is wrong with me? most likely i am making poor choices.